Hey are you a lazy piece of shit who enjoys consuming bullshit because some fucking dickhead decided to sell it to you via your lying robot box of plastic dreams? Well guess what shit for brains, Stouffers now has a microwavable toasted sub for you to shove into you fucking face. Impossible you say? Wipe the hot pocket cum stains off your greasy lips and listen to the magic!
We all know how hard making fucking sandwiches is. These monumental culinary feats should only be tackled by gourmet geniuses that are Subway’s artisan master sandwich virtuosos. You live an active lifestyle and can’t bother putting bread in a toaster and then stacking a pile of melted dogshit between the two slices. Well my shiftless dumpy friend dream no more as the microwave gods have blessed you with the deliciousness that you only dreamed of. No longer will you have to face the insurmountable struggle that is stacking two french bread pizzas together just to get a taste of the dream.
Stouffers has created a whole line of toasted subs. Your dreams of warm rubbery stale bread and greasy questionable meat products have been answered! All the magic of a sub without any of the flavor! Now you can burn your lips on factory manufactured cheese “sauces” as you attempt to tear away the stale leather that they call bread. Oh every dinner should feel this good!
Souffers can suck my fucking dick. Food in a box is straight up bullshit, fuck that poison. Sandwiches are fucking delicious and easy as fuck to make. If you support this garbage then your idiot ass can fuck off too.
April 16, 2010 at 7:49 am |
I think Serg just surpassed the last time Grocery said “you really out did yourself on this one”. Fucking. Hilarious.
April 16, 2010 at 7:50 am |
Serg, did someone “http POP” one of these out of the microwave @ work the other day?
April 16, 2010 at 10:08 am |
I fucking wish
April 16, 2010 at 9:45 am |
Next up…Peanut Butter Slices!!!!
I shit you not.
http://www.pbslices.com/
April 16, 2010 at 10:07 am |
magic is real
April 16, 2010 at 4:03 pm |
yeah, these are gross. I can’t wait for Serg to go in on Mr. Pickles’ garbage-ass sandwiches…
April 17, 2010 at 5:07 am |
Hey, speaking of wack ass shit, I think I saw some Woodchuck Cider in your fridge. That is the toasted stouffer’s of cider. Next time you’re in St. Louis, go by Winslow Home for a real sandwich and pick up a couple of bottles of JK Scrumpy cider in the cold box.
April 17, 2010 at 3:44 pm |
I am not MFGrocery, I don’t live in St. Louis or drink cider
April 18, 2010 at 3:11 am |
You’re really gonna talk shit about what’s in my fridge? SERIOUSLY?
April 18, 2010 at 5:22 pm |
Truer words were never uttered…
April 30, 2010 at 12:07 am |
you are a stranger but i found your various writings tonight and now you are my hero. i’m so fucking hungry.
May 7, 2010 at 8:49 pm |
Yeah, gonna use the phrase “toasted asshole” a lot from now on.
May 12, 2010 at 8:11 am |
[...] If you want someone to give it to you a little more harshly please read “Hey Stouffers! Fuck You In Your Fucking Toasted Asshole You Fucking Dicks!” I quote: “Food in a box is straight up bullshit, fuck that poison. Sandwiches are [...]
May 14, 2010 at 11:32 am |
Nice article on the topic. I am bookmarking this! ty
May 19, 2010 at 10:38 pm |
Hey, speaking of wack ass shit, I think I saw some Woodchuck Cider in your fridge. That is the toasted stouffer’s of cider. Next time you’re in St. Louis, go by Winslow Home for a real sandwich and pick up a couple of bottles of JK Scrumpy cider in the cold box.
+1
June 2, 2010 at 7:44 pm |
I guess I will have to disagree. In the photograph of said sandwich, it appears that there are vegetables. I have to admit that it’s not that difficult to put vegetables between the two pieces of bread, but since there are no vegetables on the open face cheese product, it would not be the same as putting to pieces of cheese pizza on top of one another. I personally wouldn’t buy the product, but I could see a situation in which someone doesn’t have enough time to make a sandwich, and might want to buy the sandwich. Although I will admit that buying a freshly made sandwich would be a much better option!
June 14, 2010 at 7:42 pm |
Hey, angry guy. I like their french bread pizzas. But I wouldn’t touch any of their other stuff. Sorry not to agree with you.
June 15, 2010 at 7:58 pm |
Honestly, any stupid fuck who would rather eat (as Serg said) “warm rubbery stale bread and greasy questionable meat products” is retarded. Yeah it may take an extra 2 minutes to stand your lazy ass up and physically make a sandwich, but it could prevent a heart attack or some other health problems. Just about as stupid as stopping at McDonald’s on your way home from grocery shopping, am I right?
June 16, 2010 at 10:19 pm |
$1.88 each! Fuck you, & the horse you rode in on (& probably ate, you hippie)!
June 20, 2010 at 2:32 am |
wait I’m a hippie because I think krusteaz and kroger brand crustacean turds are gross?
man up and eat some real food pussy
June 19, 2010 at 9:33 am |
[...] “There’s a way of looking at the ugliness after Reconstruction–the rise of the Lost Cause, the Klan, the lynchings–as a tragic search for Southern white male identity. First the old slave patrols go. Then the Confederate Army is subdued and humiliated. Then blacks began to dominate “manly” athletic pursuits. Then Martin Luther King exposes the immorality of the Southern system. Reeling from “each successive volley, the Southern racist–and really any white racist–is left with a question: If the Southern white man is proven inferior physically, mentally, and even morally, than what is he? HEY STOUFFERS! F$$K YOU IN YOUR F$$KING TOASTED A$$HOLE. [...]
June 21, 2010 at 5:59 pm |
What about that new commercial with the autistic kid? You should definitely make fun of that one also. Stouffer’s, food for retarded assholes!
June 22, 2010 at 8:17 am |
Erik, I hope you or someone you know has a child (now or the future) who is born with autism or any other kind of mental OR physical disability, because then you would look like a total asshole. One thing I DO NOT appreciate is people talking about “retarded” people, ESPECIALLY kids. I know quite a few people with children who are autistic or have another disability. In my opinion, YOU NEED TO BE SHOT IN THE FACE by the parents of all special needs children, you fucking heartless bastard! Go fuck yourself and rot in hell for that comment! ANYONE WHO DISAGREES WITH WHAT I SAID CAN ALSO DIE A MISERABLE SLOW PAINFUL DEATH AND JOIN “ERIK” IN HELL! Everyone else having nothing to do with this, or those who agree with my statement, Have A Nice Day
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June 28, 2010 at 1:08 pm |
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July 30, 2010 at 5:26 pm |
1st article I’ve read here.
#awesome
I’ll be back.